It amazes me every time I hear stay at home moms complain about how people treat them. So often they are envied, as though they live a life of leisure, even though anyone who has grown up with a stay at home mom knows full well that it’s a lot of work. But as adults they buy into the myth that it’s easy.

The hard part can be knowing what to say, especially when people assume that your husband must earn a lot of money to allow you to stay at home. This, as you struggle to find the money to pay all the bills. Even when it’s well intentioned it can get annoying.

So what do you say to people who get it flat wrong?

You can be honest about the sacrifice. Many people don’t realize that stay at home moms sacrifice quite a bit, as do their families. Vacations are simpler, when they happen. You aren’t buying the latest gadget or getting a new car. You’re clipping coupons, watching for the best deals at the store and always looking for ways to spend money. Rich you ain’t.

You can also point out to them just how doable it all is. When people talk to you about how amazed they are that you can stay at home, there is often an element of envy. Sometimes this is obvious, such as the people who say they would stay home if they could afford it. Well, it’s often not so much a matter of affording it as it is of making it work. Assure them that they could do it too if they really wanted it badly enough.

But some comments can be more annoying, especially the people who insist that daycare is vital for developing social skills. It’s as though they think you’re raising your child with no interaction outside the family at all. We know that’s absurd, but somehow this notion persists.

For these people you can talk about the things you do outside the home. You can pick your tone based on theirs. Sometimes it’s genuine concern because they have really bought into the notion that the only way to socialize a child is through their being left for hours and hours 5 days a week in the care of someone who is caring for a number of children.

This completely ignores the time your children may be spending with friends at the park, cousins, on play dates, or even meeting adults with Mommy. Socialization is not some magical thing that only happens in the presence of a daycare operator or teacher. It happens everywhere your child deals with other people.

And of course, there’s the “you’re lazy” treatment. After all, if you aren’t holding down some kind of job outside the home, you aren’t really working, are you?

Amazingly enough, many parents who work outside the home really do feel that what stay at home parents do must be like a vacation. Perhaps this relates to the fact that a part of their own time spent at home is when their kids are sleeping. It is probably also due to their feeling that they have to care for their home and family just as much as you do, but in less time. Obviously, you’re just kicking back, right?

It can be hard for them to realize just how much work it is to be a child’s caregiver 24/7. The house gets messier when you’re home all day. The kids have more time to make a mess. Play time with the kids, while fun, is not exactly kicking back and relaxing.

Sure, it’s easy to turn the television on when you’re at home. But just sitting and watching isn’t too likely to happen, even if your kids are playing quietly. Wait. Are they playing TOO quietly? The time a stay at home mom spends relaxing (in a relative sense), still involves caring for her children.

But perhaps most important is to not worry too much about what other people think you do all day or what your family’s financial situation is. As a stay at home mom, you already have enough to do without adding that to the list.

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