Deciding whether to continue with her career or be a stay at home mom can be a painful decision for new mothers, and even for experienced ones. There are two dreams, each pulling you a different way.

One is the dream of always being their for your child. Of handling all the needs of your family at home. Being there for every first. Helping your child learn. Making almost every meal at home and being praised as the perfect mom by your admiring family.

The other is the dream of your career. The work you may love, or the dream that you will someday work your way up to that dream job. Bringing home enough money that your family can have all its needs comfortably met, and enough wants fulfilled to really enjoy life.

How to choose between them? It’s not always a pleasant decision.

Consider Finances First

While not what you may want to be thinking about, your financial situation is vital to whether or not you can be a stay at home mom. Will your family have enough money to get by, or will such a decision leave it struggling?

There’s a lot to consider. What would your family’s financial position be without your income, without cutting costs? What sacrifices are you willing to make? Do you know for certain that you could find a way to work at home to bring in extra money if you needed to?

Don’t forget to consider costs that will automatically be cut if you stay at home. You probably won’t eat out as much. You’ll probably simplify your wardrobe. Your tax situation will change. You won’t be commuting, so your car will be driven less.

If your family can’t make enough cuts to make it on one income, you may be stuck for the time being continuing with your job. If considering other factors makes you desperate to stay at home you can continue to work outside the home while working hard to find a way to bring in an income from home.

Which Do You Really Want?

What you really want from your life is important. Will you really be happy without your career? Changing your identity to “your child’s mommy” is a big change, and not always an easy one. Does that idea bother you?

Of course, even working outside the home a part of your identity quickly changes to “your child’s mommy,” if not right away, then when your child gets older and starts making friends. But it can be harder when you’re a stay at home mom and don’t have an outside the home career to talk about.

On the other hand, you may want to be there all the time for your child, and not have to worry about how you’re going to manage to take time off work when your child needs you. This may be the thing you’ve dreamed about even more than a successful career. Being a stay at home mom may exactly suit what you want from life.

Being financially dependent on your husband isn’t for every mother either. It’s rough sometimes knowing that your family has one income. Never mind that theoretically it’s just as much yours as his. There’s a difference emotionally to a lot of people.

The Needs of Your Child

I’ve put this last, but certainly not least. Sometimes the needs of your child outweighs all other considerations.

For most children, so long as they’re in a good situation they can grow up to be happy, healthy, productive adults whether their mothers stayed at home or put them in daycare. Show your children that you care for them and love them, and your decision can be right either way.

But sometimes things aren’t that simple. There can be health issues creating problems. You can have trouble finding adequate daycare. Things can simply work out sometimes to where you have to find a way, any way, to have one parent stay at home, and most often the mother takes that job on.

Take Time on Your Decision

Deciding whether to work outside the home or be a stay at home mom isn’t something you have to decide overnight most of the time. Take some time. Figure out if it’s going to work for you. Don’t drive yourself crazy, but have reasons for your decision and understand that you may have regrets for whichever path you don’t take. That’s just a part of life.

And enjoy your family!

Society gives us really mixed reviews for being stay at home moms. There’s the side that says we’re the best kind of moms. Then there’s the side that calls us lazy.

Good thing there’s a large middle ground that just calls us moms. But that doesn’t keep stay at home moms from talking down about what they do a little.

There’s that little tendency to describe oneself as “just” a stay at home mom, as though it’s nothing special. Even when you respect moms who work outside the home, you have to admit there’s a lot special about moms who stay home with their kids.

Don’t belittle the work you do every day. Sure, moms who work outside the home have to deal with cooking, housework and all the stuff their kids need too, but you have to deal with it all day. That means more cooking, more housework and more of the kids’ needs. Quite likely it all comes on a tighter budget too.

Even if many of the people in your life don’t always understand why you choose to be a stay at home mom, do your best to celebrate what you have. There are plenty of mothers and fathers who would gladly trade places with you.

You probably know how very little free time you have. It varies quite a bit with how old the kids are, but it’s easy to end up rushing all over the place trying to get everything done. Free time can be spending a few minutes at the computer before one of the kids needs you urgently again. It can be watching a favorite show and hoping the toddler takes a longer nap this time. It can be crashing on the couch to enjoy a little quality time with your husband after getting the kids in bed.

But even the busy times of a stay at home mom should be enjoyed as much as possible. I don’t mean try to be a perfect mom. That’s not going to happen. But even the chaos can be fun if you relax as best you can about it.

Don’t lose yourself to your identity as a stay at home mom. No matter how much time you spend caring for your family, there’s more to you than motherhood. You have other interests. Keep them up.

It can be hard to compare what you do as a stay at home mom to the career accomplishments of friends and family who work outside the home. But don’t say you’re “just” a stay at home mom. Say you’re privileged to be a stay at home mom. Delighted to be a stay at home mom. Something positive about being a stay at home mom.

It won’t change how everyone thinks of your decision to be a stay at home mom, but it can help you to remember how positive a decision it is for you.

The pressures on moms to be perfect is just amazing. It doesn’t matter what you do, someone will say you’re doing it disastrously wrong. Maybe that’s why it’s such a habit for many moms to gloss over the problems they deal with and try to show a public face of being a really happy mom who can calmly cope with anything life and her kids throw at her.

Even tantrums and finding time for a shower.

I’ll admit some days are easier than others to be a stay at home mom. Keeping my sanity the day after the baby has cut a tooth and was up all night can get interesting. Especially if my feet find the LEGOS on the floor too early in the morning.

There are two key things for moms to remember. Number one is don’t try to be perfect. You aren’t. You don’t want to be.

Number two is to ignore all the people who criticize your little imperfections. They’re not as bad as some people say they are. It’s really not going to make your kids fat and lazy if you sometimes give in and let them have fast food or watch an excess of television.

There’s this little thing called moderation that really means you can get away with so much more than you thought possible. Moderation is a great thing to remind yourself of when you’re feeling bad about your parenting skills. When you’re letting the kids do things that other parents would tell you are unhealthy, will lead to bad habits, whatever, just remember that many things that should not be done habitually are just fine in moderation.

If that doesn’t cover it, try remembering to not sweat the small stuff. Lots of things can be called small stuff if you think far enough ahead.

Never, ever, feel bad for saying you need a break from your kids. You may have this goal of being the perfect stay at home mom who loves every minute, but you need your breaks. We all do. That’s why people who work outside the home get regular 15 minute breaks and a lunch break.

Breaks are a chance to clear your head and relax a little. They’re a bit harder to get for stay at home moms, but you can take breaks and you deserve them.

Get out a little in the evenings or weekends without the kids and without running errands. Do your own thing for just a little while.

Needing time for yourself doesn’t make you a bad mother. Taking time for yourself  can help you to be a better one, in fact.

And if you make a mistake with your kids, don’t be afraid to admit to it. We all make mistakes. You’re a better example for your children if they see that you can not only make mistakes but admit to them.

Forget perfection. Stop trying to be the mom who follows all the rules in whatever parenting style you prefer. Just do the best you can, be yourself and enjoy the ride.

One of the troubles with being a stay at home mom is that you don’t earn any money for what you’re doing. If you need an income while you stay at home you have to find a work at home job or a home business to start, and that takes away from your time being a mom. That’s not a bad thing, just that you’ll have more things to balance in your life.

But just because you aren’t earning money doesn’t mean that you aren’t getting something in return.

No, I don’t mean frustration, although parenthood in general brings frustration with it quite often. It’s not an easy job, no matter whether you work outside the home or stay at home and focus entirely on what your family needs. Most kids are far from being perfect angels all the time.

In many ways the pay a stay at home mom gets is the same one all mothers get – the love and affection their children can bestow. The stay at home mom is just a bit luckier in that she has more time for it to happen.

It can’t be taxed. It can’t be spent. But you can save those earnings in your heart.

The love you earn from your family is what helps you get through the hard times, when the children aren’t listening, when you feel unappreciated, when things just aren’t going right. A quick hug and a kiss can make a lot of problems fade away. The problems may come back, but you’ll have a reminder of why it’s all worth it.

That doesn’t mean that staying at home isn’t an adjustment from working. It is. The kind of feedback you get is entirely different.

In either case people will probably feel freer to tell you that you’ve messed up than you’ve done a great job, though!

Teach yourself to see the feedback you get as a stay at home mom and teach your family to give it. If you want your children to show you gratitude, show it to them and tell them when they need to express it. If you want affection, give affection. Children are amazing mimics, so the more positive things you show them, the more you will get in return.

It’s both frustrating and fascinating. Frustrating because you will see all your little bad habits being echoed. Fascinating because you’ll see all the good too. If you want to earn the most affection from your kids, show them lots of it. It’ll pay you back most times.

And yes, there are times when kids try to hide what they feel. They go through phases where showing their parents affection is an awkward thing. But just watch them and you’ll know you still matter.

One of the hard parts about being a stay at home mom is that you aren’t making money on your own. You rely on what your husband brings home. Sure, you say the money belongs to both of you, but there’s often that feeling on both sides that it isn’t quite true.

How do you cope?

1. Talk over your feelings.

Communication is important in any marriage. If you’re feeling as though you’re less important because the things you do raising your family at home doesn’t bring in money it can build resentment.

It can be a help to realize that you do make a financial contribution. You’re saving money on child care by being home with your kids. You’re probably shopping for bargains more. You’re probably cooking more meals at home and thereby saving on your family’s food bill.

It’s important that the partnership that is a good marriage recognizes both earning money and helping to keep the family’s spending under control are both important contributions. It can be hard to do that if your husband acts in any way as though you’re using “his” money, and if that’s the case his feelings need to be discussed also.

2. Decide if you want to earn money from home.

Some stay at home moms decide that they need a work at home job or home business so that they can bring in more money for their family. Sometimes it’s also necessary to the family’s overall budget.

Stay at home moms today are lucky in that they have so many ways to earn money from home, some of which are extremely flexible. It’s not just the traditional jobs such as running a daycare or joining a direct sales opportunity. There are customer service work at home jobs, online home businesses and much more.

There are a lot of risks to getting started working from home, and generally laws to be aware of. Make sure you learn about the common scams and don’t fall for hype when you’re picking an opportunity. Too good to be true usually is.

3. Be yourself and enjoy what you have.

Just because you’re suddenly such-and-so’s mom and you’re home all day doesn’t mean you lose your identity. Make time to be yourself.

Keep up your hobbies. You might even be able to get one or more of your kids interested in it. But don’t drop the hobby just because you don’t think you have the time or shouldn’t spend the money. Unless it’s really expensive or your budget is that tight you can probably find a way to enjoy your hobby while being with your kids.

Also read the kinds of books you enjoy. The Cat in the Hat is a great book, but reading any children’s book over and over will get to you eventually. Read something you enjoy. Let your kids see it. It’s a part of encouraging them to love reading too.

And remember that even when staying at home with the kids makes for a tight budget you’re lucky to have what you do. Many parents would love to do what you’re doing but just can’t afford to. It’s one of those jobs that even on a bad day, it’s pretty good when you think about it.

Finally, remember that being married, especially with children, does a lot to your finances no matter whether you work outside the home or stay at home. You most likely won’t have the freedom you once did no matter what you do. The needs of your family come first in most cases.

While I most often write about being a stay at home mom, being one myself, I’m quite aware of the number of stay at home dads out there. I’d better be. Two of my sisters have husbands who are stay at home dads.

Which brings up the question. How do you decide which parent stays home with the kids?

Personal Preference

Often one parent wants to stay home much more so than the other. For one of my sisters, it was a part of the deal that her husband would get to stay home with their kids.

You don’t want a parent who is going to be miserable to stay home. They won’t be happy and probably won’t do as good a job at being a stay at home parent as one who really wants to be there. That’s not to say they’ll do a bad job or anything, but miserable shows even when you do your best to hide it. Kids notice.

Income

Who brings in the most income is a simple way to decide. If one parent is unemployed or earns significantly less than the other, it makes good financial sense to have that parent stay home.

But you also want to consider income potential, especially if the current difference is small. If one career has much greater potential in the long run, that’s probably the one to stick with.

And don’t forget stability. Just think of all the people who have been laid off in recent times. If one job is far less likely to suffer that way than the other, you need to consider that factor.

Ability to Earn Money from Home

That I was training to be a medical transcriptionist at the time I got pregnant was a big factor in the decision that I would be home with the kids. We didn’t have to sacrifice my entire income potential to have me there. Instead we sacrificed and continue to sacrifice quiet evenings together after the kids are in bed, as that’s a big time for me to work. But we make it work.

Ability to Keep Up Skills

Most families don’t have one parent stay home forever. You’re both going to want a retirement income, after all. Staying at home can mean taking a break from a career.

That doesn’t have to be all bad. The at home parent can take the time to take classes to update his or her skills. He or she can freelance to bring in some income and keep up those skills. It’s important to make the most of what you have and what you’re going to need to have for your future.

All these considerations assume that you have the financial ability to have one parent stay at home. If it’s going to ruin your family’s finances, think very carefully about what you’re doing. You may need to take some extra time, pay down some bills and build some savings before you can have either parent stay at home.

Being a stay at home mom, whether you work at home or have the raising your family as your only job is hard. A lot of people really won’t show you much appreciation, and there’s always someone to criticize your decision.

The same can be said for moms who work outside the home, of course.

Being told that your kids would be just fine if you put them in daycare is tough to hear, of course, and isn’t always true. So much depends on the quality of daycare that is available to you.

So what difference can you make to your family as a stay at home mom?

Money

The money issue can go both ways. Yes, many families have to cut back due to having just one income. It’s a big risk. You’re also likely limiting your retirement income if you aren’t working and saving for your retirement while you’re home with the kids.

On the other hand, daycare can be miserably expensive. Sometimes, by the time you take out the cost of daycare, the cost of commuting, cost of wardrobe, taxes and so forth, you’re actually saving money by not having a second income.

Which way your being at home impacts your family’s finances really depends on your likely income potential. If you know you’d be losing money by working outside the home, those naysayers have nothing to complain about!

There’s a risk to being a single income family, of course. That’s if layoffs come about. Losing one income is painful no matter whether one or both parents work, but if it’s the only income the situation may be a lot worse.

That’s a part of why I always recommend stay at home moms consider some form of working at home. It can be a job or a home business, but have some way to bring in a little money. Save it for retirement if you don’t really need it at the moment. But keep those skills up while doing something you love when you’re at home. You may not need to work now, but there are no guarantees for the future.

Your Relationship with Your Children

How you relate to your children can be different depending on whether you’re home all day with them or gone at a job. Either one can cause problems or make things better, depending on personal needs and personalities.

A mother who doesn’t want to stay at home, for example, probably shouldn’t. A miserable stay at home mom is going to have a harder time doing her best for her family.

What really matters is that you have ways to be there for your children when they need you. That goes for both mothers and fathers, regardless of where and if they work.

And of course some children need their parents more. This is especially true for younger children, although the option isn’t always there if the mother’s income is needed. As always, doing the best you can is generally good enough for your family. Perfection isn’t required.

Sad to say, an overprotective stay at home mom who never lets her kids do anything is going to cause as many problems for the working outside the home mom who is never there for her kids. Both are extremes; your typical stay at home mom isn’t excessively overprotective and your typical working outside the home mom will do everything she can to be there for her kids.

More Time for Activities

Stay at home moms do have a big advantage over working moms in being able to sign their kids up for whatever activities they’re interested in. It’s just easier to get them to the activities, whether it be sports, an art class, whatever.

Working moms can do it, but they have to be pickier about schedules.

Housekeeping

Yes, we all have to handle it. Working moms have more limited time for housekeeping, but stay at home moms have messes generated all day in their homes. Either way it can really add up.

In both cases, get the kids involved at age appropriate levels. Little kids love to help; older kids need to know how to do housework for their own good later in life as well as just having responsibilities now.

Don’t Let the Guilt Get You Down

All moms feel guilt. It’s just one of those things. No matter what we do there’s someone there to tell us we’re doing it wrong.

That’s okay. Remember that your own parents weren’t perfect. Hopefully their worst mistakes were forgivable and already forgiven. Do your best and your kids will hopefully do the same for you.

Shopping for gifts has always been a challenge for me. But I decided to see if I could figure out some good gift ideas for various sorts of people who are likely to come to this site. Always nice to be able to give people ideas for what you want, I think.

Gift Ideas for Stay at Home Moms

Couponizer

The Couponizer is a good choice because so many stay at home moms are highly focused on saving money. It’s tough being a single income family. Having a way to keep those coupons organized can be a big help in actually using them.

Day Planner

This is great for the mom whose family is always on the go. Keeping up with all the activities isn’t easy if you don’t have things written down.

Hire a Cleaning Service

Contact local cleaning services in your area for the mom who needs a break.

Babysitting

Offer to babysit the children for a stay at home mom or pay a sitter for her. Either way she gets some time out, either on her own or on a date with her significant other.

Give a Spa Day

Well, I hear this one works for most women. Doesn’t matter if they stay at home, work outside the home, whatever. A little time to be indulged is a wonderful thing.

Digital Photo Frame

The trouble with digital cameras can be that you take so many pictures you rarely see them, and most people don’t print that many. A digital photo frame takes pretty good care of that issue.

Pay Attention to What She Wants

I can list things all day, but in the end it comes down to what the person wants. Pay attention or even flat out ask for ideas if nothing is appealing yet.

I’m pretty obviously a fan of stay at home moms. Wouldn’t run this site if I weren’t. It’s an important job and one I wouldn’t trade without a lot of pain. But I’m also not as insistent as some that moms should stay at home with their kids.

It’s a very personal choice to me.

Now if you change that to should a parent stay home with the kids while they’re young, you’ll get stronger agreement from me. I do think that when possible one parent or the other should be at home. But it doesn’t really matter to me which, so long as the one who can best care for the kids is the one doing it.

Yeah, most often that’s going to be the mom. But two of my sisters have their husbands as the at home parent, even when the kids were babies and breastfed. It took some extra work for them to pump enough milk for their babies, but they both did pretty well at it.

Now, take a book such as Dr. Laura’s In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms and I can see good and bad to it.

Yes, many stay at home moms do need support. There are many people who make it a harder choice than it should be. Even now I sometimes get asked about when I’m going back to work… despite earning a reasonable amount at home. Still haven’t reached my goals that I discussed back at New Year’s, but I’m always working towards it. I’ll get my income up higher on a regular basis yet!

I’m not exactly a Dr. Laura fan. She has some good points, but then loses me entirely other times, such as the time she scolded a mother for working 4 hours a week outside the home. That’s rather extreme. As I recall, the mom taught an exercise class of some sort. Not exactly the kind of thing that will traumatize a child.

Stuff like that is why I don’t listen to her show much. I prefer to relax when I listen to the radio.

I don’t consider working moms to be neglectful of their families. I’d better not – my own mother worked outside the home. Admittedly that was in part because my parents divorced when I was very young, but still she showed me that a mother can work outside the home and care very well for her family.

We were admittedly fortunate in our daycare and remained with one provider until my sisters and I were old enough to be home on our own. She was pretty nearly a second mom.

I know most daycare experiences aren’t like that. My mom was the only one of her friends who didn’t have to regularly change providers because their person quit.

With that kind of background I suppose that it’s no wonder that I support working and at home moms. It’s a tough world out there even when the economy is good.

In my opinion, stay at home moms should be praised. Working moms should be praised. Dads should be praised. Any parent who is doing his or her best to provide and care for their family deserves praise. No matter which way you go about it, it’s a tough, stressful job.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Ok, hopefully I haven’t scared too many of you off with the LOLcat picture and title. I’ll behave now. Maybe.

Parenting is a tough job. We all know that. Everyone’s an expert and no one knows what they’re doing. Maybe that’s a contradiction, but I think it describes parenthood rather well. Especially motherhood. I think it safe to say I know rather less about fatherhood.

Moms working outside the home are criticized for not spending enough time raising their own kids.

Stay at home moms are criticized for being lazy.

Work at home moms are criticized for not maintaining the exact right balance of work and parenting.

Now, I’m a big fan of having at least one parent home with the kids. I say parent because I know some fathers who do quite well at it. I don’t care which parent is at home, which is the breadwinner or if the parent at home also works.

I also really don’t worry about it when both parents work. That’s often necessary, either for financial reasons or personal ones.

For the most part, no matter which way you parent, you’re getting it right.

It doesn’t matter if you breastfeed or formula feed. It doesn’t matter if you vaccinate or not. It doesn’t matter if you put your kids in a good daycare or stay home with them yourself.

What does matter is that you love your children and do your best by them. That you give them consistency. That your children are not abused. That you encourage them to be independent in appropriate ways at appropriate ages.

Yes, all parents make mistakes. We’re human. We get tired, stressed, impatient, angry, frustrated, etc. We make decisions for the wrong reasons sometimes.

But most of the things we do that seem like they will traumatize our kids forever probably won’t.