Being a stay at home mom, whether you work at home or have the raising your family as your only job is hard. A lot of people really won’t show you much appreciation, and there’s always someone to criticize your decision.

The same can be said for moms who work outside the home, of course.

Being told that your kids would be just fine if you put them in daycare is tough to hear, of course, and isn’t always true. So much depends on the quality of daycare that is available to you.

So what difference can you make to your family as a stay at home mom?

Money

The money issue can go both ways. Yes, many families have to cut back due to having just one income. It’s a big risk. You’re also likely limiting your retirement income if you aren’t working and saving for your retirement while you’re home with the kids.

On the other hand, daycare can be miserably expensive. Sometimes, by the time you take out the cost of daycare, the cost of commuting, cost of wardrobe, taxes and so forth, you’re actually saving money by not having a second income.

Which way your being at home impacts your family’s finances really depends on your likely income potential. If you know you’d be losing money by working outside the home, those naysayers have nothing to complain about!

There’s a risk to being a single income family, of course. That’s if layoffs come about. Losing one income is painful no matter whether one or both parents work, but if it’s the only income the situation may be a lot worse.

That’s a part of why I always recommend stay at home moms consider some form of working at home. It can be a job or a home business, but have some way to bring in a little money. Save it for retirement if you don’t really need it at the moment. But keep those skills up while doing something you love when you’re at home. You may not need to work now, but there are no guarantees for the future.

Your Relationship with Your Children

How you relate to your children can be different depending on whether you’re home all day with them or gone at a job. Either one can cause problems or make things better, depending on personal needs and personalities.

A mother who doesn’t want to stay at home, for example, probably shouldn’t. A miserable stay at home mom is going to have a harder time doing her best for her family.

What really matters is that you have ways to be there for your children when they need you. That goes for both mothers and fathers, regardless of where and if they work.

And of course some children need their parents more. This is especially true for younger children, although the option isn’t always there if the mother’s income is needed. As always, doing the best you can is generally good enough for your family. Perfection isn’t required.

Sad to say, an overprotective stay at home mom who never lets her kids do anything is going to cause as many problems for the working outside the home mom who is never there for her kids. Both are extremes; your typical stay at home mom isn’t excessively overprotective and your typical working outside the home mom will do everything she can to be there for her kids.

More Time for Activities

Stay at home moms do have a big advantage over working moms in being able to sign their kids up for whatever activities they’re interested in. It’s just easier to get them to the activities, whether it be sports, an art class, whatever.

Working moms can do it, but they have to be pickier about schedules.

Housekeeping

Yes, we all have to handle it. Working moms have more limited time for housekeeping, but stay at home moms have messes generated all day in their homes. Either way it can really add up.

In both cases, get the kids involved at age appropriate levels. Little kids love to help; older kids need to know how to do housework for their own good later in life as well as just having responsibilities now.

Don’t Let the Guilt Get You Down

All moms feel guilt. It’s just one of those things. No matter what we do there’s someone there to tell us we’re doing it wrong.

That’s okay. Remember that your own parents weren’t perfect. Hopefully their worst mistakes were forgivable and already forgiven. Do your best and your kids will hopefully do the same for you.

School is out or going to be out soon for much of the country. Summer’s almost here.

Have you signed up your kids for swimming lessons yet?

I consider swimming lessons one of the most important activities you can sign your kids up for. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a pool and don’t live near an ocean, lake or river. I just think it’s important that kids know how to swim.

For one, they may have friends who have a pool. If not now, then later in life.

You could also at some point move into a home with a pool or near the ocean, a lake or river where your family might want to go swimming.

Or your kids could just finally convince you that it’s time to go to the city pool.

I’ll be the first to admit that swimming lessons in the early days do not give me peace of mind. Far from it. They make me worry more!

When kids first learn to swim just a little bit, they’re overconfident. I feel that this makes them more at risk. They swim into deeper water and may be more inclined to try a pool out without supervision. But it’s necessary so that they can learn to be stronger swimmers and cut the risk down.

We have rules about swimming in my family. While we do not have a pool, my inlaws do.

Rule #1: Children are not allowed in the pool without an adult. Not even a toe or fingertip.

Rule #2: Children will obey the adults supervising them in the pool.

Rule #3: There will always be at least one adult whose sole job is to watch the kids in the pool. One adult per child is better, with each adult assigned to a particular child.

Rule #4: Children will obey their swimming instructors during swimming class.

Rule #5: No running near the pool.

My kids know that if they break a pool rule, they will not be allowed to go swimming the rest of that day and likely not the next time everyone else goes swimming.

You may also want to check out PoolSafety.gov, even if you don’t own a swimming pool.

If your kids aren’t in swimming lessons yet and are not strong swimmers, get them signed up. Lessons at community and city pools are generally more affordable than private lessons, of course, but they also fill up quickly in the lower levels. Check your city’s website to see what’s available in your area.

It’s been an interesting weekend for me. My 3 year old son has gone on his first trip without me. 500 miles by airplane to Sacramento with my mother to a family event.

It’s hard letting kids go away on their own. But it’s also so good for them.

Letting go is incredibly difficult, even though I knew this was coming. My mother likes taking her grandchildren on trips, and prefers to start around age 3. That’s old enough they can generally stand being away from home for a couple of nights.

One of the most challenging things this time around was dealing with my 6 year old daughter. She had a lot of fun on her trip over the summer with her grandmother, but she kept asking her brother if he was scared to go on his. Not the question he needed to be asked!

We put a stop to that quickly, explaining that he would have a lot of fun, and we needed to keep things positive.

It’s important to keep things positive. Young children do easily get worried about being away from home and family. We talked a lot about the fun things he’d be doing. We did touch on that it is okay to miss your family. Can’t ignore that completely, but we keep the emphasis away from that and on the positives.

It works well. My son was quite happy to leave Saturday morning.

One of the hardest parts is figuring out how much contact to have when your child is away. At this age, painfully, contact is often best being minimal. A reminder of home is more likely to result in more tears and sadness for a child on a trip. As they get older it gets easier to keep in contact… which is much easier on the parents too. It’s hard not even talking to your child for a couple of days!

One of the fun things is when your child comes back home. They’re glad to be back, and sometimes you can see the changes. My son is very quiet, for example. This trip may help him to express himself around other people better. Or not. Sometimes there really aren’t a lot of changes.

The right age to let a child go on a trip with someone else is a very personal decision. Not every child is ready for this kind of trip at an early age. Not every parent is ready to let go. You may not even have a family member up for taking your child on a trip without you.

But hard as it has been having my son away this weekend, I know he’s having a great time and will be glad to come home.

Family support is one of the most important things a work at home parent can have. Without that, it’s much harder to feel good about what you’re doing, or even to get things done.

And while you may have trouble from your spouse about all the time you spend working at home (if he or she is not supportive), the ones who often have the hardest time understanding what it is you do and why you do it are your younger children.

In my family, my kids are currently 6 and 3. They take my working at home pretty much for granted. My daughter even assumes that it’s a part of my duties as a Mommy.

That doesn’t mean they always like it.

Even my 6 year old only has so much of a concept of what money is for, after all. She can count coins and sometimes gets to spend her own money for a treat at the store, but that doesn’t mean she gets it. Talking to them about the need we have for Mommy to earn money from home doesn’t really explain anything to them.

Set Work Hours

One of the things that I’ve found can really help is setting up work hours. The best times are when the kids aren’t home or are sleeping, as then you aren’t having to explain anything. You just work.

But often that really isn’t enough to get everything done.

I’m lucky to have two computers, side by side. This allows me to work more hours by picking times when my daughter is at school and my son wants to play on the other one. He’s pretty content to let me work then, while he plays with Curious George on PBS Kids, or has fun on Starfall.

Make Time for the Kids

Aside from that, it’s by cooperation. I do like to be willing to be hauled off by my kids to play or just snuggle. My son is big on that. He’ll haul me off to my room or the couch because he just wants to be held. And to play Tickle Spider. He loves those Tickle Spiders.

Even on your busiest days you can make time for something special. Sometimes I’ll announce that dinner will be a picnic rather than eaten at the table. That’s generally in the back yard, as southern California weather tends to be cooperative. It’s a treat for the kids that takes very little extra time out of a busy working day. And if the weather doesn’t cooperate, there’s always the old blanket on the living room floor routine.

Don’t Let Every Day Be Too Busy

If you’re trying to get a business going, trying to get enough hours at your work at home job, or just trying to keep up with something you’ve been doing a while, it’s easy to let your days be long and overwhelming.

Some of that is perfectly reasonable. Doubly so if money is tight and that’s the only way you can earn enough to keep your family afloat financially. Despite the feelings of guilt you may have, sometimes you do just have to tell the kids that this is the way it needs to be for the moment.

The younger they are, the harder that is to get across. It’s hard if daytime hours are the only ones that really work for what you need to do, too. You don’t always get to sacrifice sleep to catch up on work.

But do your best. Talk to them about what you’re doing and why, at age appropriate levels. Get them involved, even if only in a pretend way. The younger they are, the more things they will accept as helping when it’s really just busy work. Younger kids can also just enjoy pretending to work as you do.

When my kids were really small, an old keyboard with the cord removed was one of my best tools for this. They could type just like I did. They did play work as Mommy did real work.

Get Help When You Need It

Working at home with the kids in the house just doesn’t work out sometimes. That’s a simple reality. It may have been your goal to be there with the kids as you work, but there’s nothing wrong with getting some help if things just don’t really work out.

Playdates can be a huge help. The kids go off to a friend’s house and you get quiet. You’ll have to reciprocate, but it still helps.

Paid care can also be necessary. This can be as simple as having an older child come over to be a Mother’s Helper while you work, or you can pay a regular daycare. It’s not easy letting a part of the income you’re earning from home go to these expenses, but it can make a big difference. And yes it can feel contrary to the reason why you’re working at home.

Remember Why You’re Working at Home

In the hunt for success, sometimes you may forget why you started working at home in the first place. Many work at home jobs and home businesses take a lot of time out of your day.

Try not to let your work get completely in the way of being a parent during the day. Set a timer if you need a reminder to go play with the kids. Set aside a day or two a week for just family time – no working!

Play.

You don’t have to be a Super Mom. Not everything needs to be done perfectly.

Some days you will need to just tell your kids to go play on their own. Don’t feel bad about that. Just think about how often your parents sent you out to play while you were growing up. Odds are it was a lot. Even fairly young children can learn to play without you hovering over them or being immediately involved. Just keep it all appropriate to the age of your kids and things will turn out fine.

You’re trying to get some work done. The kids just won’t give you any peace. It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to get dishes done, laundry, send an email or something else. They want you. Now!

Days like that can drive a parent crazy. You have a lot to do, and the kids just aren’t cooperating. It makes the job so much longer.

Ever consider just giving in, at least for a few minutes?

Often enough, this has been my best way to get some peace and quiet for getting other stuff done. I take a break and have some fun with the kids. When they’re trying so hard for attention, it’s often just that they really need it right then.

Most of the time, they aren’t after a huge time commitment. Just a few minutes of play. My son likes the “tickle spider” game. A couple minutes of that makes him very happy. But other times he or my daughter will need something that takes a bit longer.

If you really need the time at that minute, of course you can take it to get things done. But take the time to tell your kids why. Give them a time frame until you can go play. Set a timer if that helps.

It’s rough sometimes giving up the time you had planned to get something accomplished. Many stay at home moms have really busy daily schedules, and if something else comes up, it’s common to let playtime with the kids slide a little.

Doesn’t mean it’s your best choice. Just the easiest one.

We all know how fast children grow. You won’t regret playing extra, but you might regret getting too involved in caring for your home or working.

Sometimes this means learning to say no to people. If you’re at home people often assume you have tons of free time. And you might sometimes.

Other times, your life is quite full of other things. These are the times that you have to learn to refuse extra commitments. Overdoing it just tires you out and limits the time you have for your family.

Prioritizing can be one of the most important skills a stay at home mom can develop. But no matter how much you plan and prioritize, sometimes your kids will have other ideas. Cooperating with the ideas your children have for having fun together doesn’t have to mess up your plan for the entire day. Just take a few minutes and have some fun together.

Sometimes the biggest challenge of being home with the kids is, well, the kids. Especially the ones too young for school. It’s exhausting not having a break from them at times. It can be hard to get anything done, whether you’re trying for a bit of housework or trying to earn money from home.

Even if you’re most comfortable with long stretches of work, parenthood often means learning to do more with small bouts of fast work. That’s just how kids are. You have to work hard, work fast and hope they’re feeling cooperative.

Here are some basic activities your kids may enjoy:

1. Having a friend over.

Believe it or not, once they’re used to each other this can really work. An extra child in your house can make it easier because the kids focus on playing with each other, not on trying to get your attention.

Work this one right and you can also earn trades with another stay at home parent. You take their kids, they take yours. Lots of fun for the kids and free quiet time for mom!

2. Water play.

Kids love water. I give my kids a plastic container full of water with some sponges and they take it outside and start scrubbing. This works best with some dish soap added so they have bubbles to enjoy as well.

Water painting can also work. Take a bowl of water, some paintbrushes, and some of the non-glossy ads you get in the mail or your newspaper. You can also use just plain newsprint. Young children love seeing the color change as the paper gets wet.

If the weather is warm enough you can also just set up sprinklers and work on things where you can still supervise as necessary.

3. Computer time.

My 3 year old loves to play on Starfall. It’s very simple for him to use, and means he’s working on the computer next to mine if I’m working. The controls are very simple for the ABC games, so you won’t be stopping too often to help your child out of a jam.

4. Paper and scissors.

Get some child safe scissors, give your child some paper, and let him or her at it.

You may have to watch things a little, as these are sharper than the ones we had as children, and experimentation will inevitably happen. But if you make the consequences good enough for any cutting of hair, clothing or other unauthorized objects the interest in cutting random stuff up goes way down.

The negative can be the cleanup. My kids can get paper just about down to confetti levels when they’re in the mood.

5. Mother’s helper.

I haven’t often used this one, but if a neighborhood child who isn’t quite old enough to babysit wants to earn a little money, this is a great way to let them help you. They just play with the kids and come to you with problems such as diapers, snack time or injuries.

6. Forts.

Kids love to make forts or tents. You can drape a sheet over the table, across some chairs, make it out of couch cushions, whatever works. It’s great for the imagination.

If you have a closet under the stairs you can also have what my family calls Narnia. You could refer to Harry Potter if that’s what your kids prefer, of course. They just play in the very back, doing whatever it is they want to imagine.

This is particularly fun if you are lucky enough to have an under stairway closet that has a turn in it. Kids love places that feel secret.

7. TiVo or DVR.

Yes, it can come down to turning on the TV. I have our TiVo set up to record my kids’ favorite shows. The nice thing is that since they can watch their favorites anytime they don’t spend any time at all waiting for it to come on. No watching a show just because it’s before a favorite, that is.

My 3 year old can even pause it. He loves that so that he can run to the bathroom or go play for a time in the middle of a show. Once he’s distracted from me he’s more likely to go play on his own. A single show running maybe 20 minutes sometimes lasts an hour because he has control.

Different things work for different families, and what works will change as kids get older. But getting any time at all to work when you’re staying at home can be a big treat.

Kids are expensive, there’s no doubt. Food, clothing, entertainment, education… it all adds up.

If you take some time to talk with them, they can also help you save money. That’s helpful at any point.

In my experience, children are very sweet about things when you talk to them about why you want to save money. My daughter at age 5 offered to start a lemonade stand when we explained about money being tight. She just really wanted to help.

The first thing you want to give your children is a reason to help you save money. You may choose to share with them a portion of what is saved. You could set a savings goal for a family vacation. You just need to figure out what will motivate them and you.

Have a family meeting to start discussing options. You want to get everyone on board with the general concepts. You probably won’t come up with every possible idea for saving money right away, but you can get the thought processes moving.

One of the great things about talking things out with kids is that sometimes they are very willing to make sacrifices. They can really surprise you, even at a young age.

Some things they should help you with will be obvious. If keeping extra lights turned off is an issue, come up with a reward system for that. It doesn’t have to be significant, perhaps just a mark on a chart that will eventually lead to something.

You may be able to compete with each other a bit too. You can each pick a habit that’s wasting a bit of money, and see who does the best at beating it. You should be sure the competition stays lighthearted, and keep encouraging your children so that there’s a good chance that they could win. Your purpose here, after all, is two fold. You want to save money but you also want your children to get a good lesson.

Another good area to explore with your children is snacking. Could they go from a more expensive snack to a cheaper and possibly healthier one? It can be done. Things like fruit snacks really aren’t that cheap.

This should lead to your kids helping you shop for bargains in the grocery store. Have them help you with the ads, figuring out which stores to visit and what to buy. Maybe even have them help with some menu planning.

Another big expense for many families comes from video games. You may want to consider renting video games rather than buying them, or talking with other families in your area about trades. Your children will probably know which of their friends have the same system and might be open for trades. Setting up workable rules can be a challenge but also a good lesson. But if things are tight enough, new games may simply have to be given up on.

Your family can probably come up with a lot more ideas to save some money. You can figure out what kind of rewards for saving money makes sense for your family, and really get everyone motivated. It’s really wonderful to be able to get some control over some of the expenses associated with raising a family.

When I got my copy of Please Don’t Label My Child, I figured it for a fairly interesting read. While no one professional has tried to tell me either of my kids might have Attention Deficit Disorder or something like it, my inlaws have raised the possibility. I don’t consider it a possibility myself. She’s not the most focused child, but she’s also just 5. I think she just needs time to figure out how to behave at school.

But the more of it I read, the more interested I got. The author included a lot of individual examples where children who others considered to be ADHD or to have other emotional health problems were helped without medications. Should I ever face that kind of thing with my own kids, that’s exactly how I’d want to handle it too.

It’s horrifying when you read about how many kids are being given medications for various behavioral issues. This is an issue that people have been aware of for years, yet too many are willing to just follow a doctor’s advice and use the medications. It’s easier, after all, even though some medications have serious potential side effects. I found this article on it from 2004, in which the spending on behavior modifying drugs had outpaced spending on antibiotics and asthma medications.

That’s just depressing to me.

Please Don’t Label My Child gives some wonderful tips on what else can be done. Consider the circumstances, for example. Of course a child will misbehave if there are current or past problems in his or her life that are not being properly addressed.

Probably my favorite section was on bullying. My daughter had to deal with a classmate who she found rather challenging. She has an active fantasy life while he takes everything seriously and wanted her to do likewise. Just a few words from him and she’d just droop.

Not quite bullying, in my mind, or at least I don’t feel he meant it that way, but it certainly had an impact on her until she learned how to cope with it. This book did help me to think on her reactions to it and how to help her a little.

If you’re a parent, I do very much so recommend this book. You may never face the situation of having someone recommend one of these medications for your child, but why not be prepared for it, in case? You’ll find the insights in general quite interesting.

We’ve been having some rainy weather here lately, and I can see how cooped up the kids are feeling. I’ve let them play outside some, but it takes their shoes a long time to dry from all the water and mud. Especially the mud.

When the weather turns cold, keeping the kids busy gets more challenging. They can’t just play outside all day in a lot of cases, and often simply don’t want to. It’s enough to wear any parent down.

Sometimes doing this on a budget can be challenging as well. As a stay at home mom, I don’t have that much of a budget for entertaining the kids, even though I would love to be able to enroll them in all the activities they would enjoy. My daughter very much so wants dance and acting classes, for example, but those aren’t in the budget.

Doing these things informally at home is quite possible. She won’t be learning the techniques that a class would teach her, but her creativity is being strongly encouraged.

Puppet shows are a fairly regular feature in our home. A sheet tossed over the footboard posts makes her preferred theater.

Cardboard boxes are the classic, of course. It may take a few tries, but you can get double thickness ones from Home Depot for free. Just go in shortly before closing and talk to a manager about having the night crew save one for you. With any luck, it will indeed be there in the morning. Appliance boxes also work well if you happen to note a delivery in your area.

Heading out to the library is another great option. Not only do most have story time for younger children, but you can check out books with more craft ideas.

A good supply of craft supplies is essential. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but markers, crayons, paints, paper bags, popsicle sticks, paper plates, glue and so forth leave a lot of room for creativity.

A treasure hunt can also be a lot of fun. It also helps kids learn how to look for things. Show them what you’re going to hide, and leave a series of clues for them to follow.

Don’t forget the chores. Even 2 year olds can help out a little. Sometimes their help is more of a hindrance when they’re young, but it makes them very happy. Even if you do have to sweep the floor over again at nap time.

Go through old photo albums or do a slide show of the pictures on your computer. We use our digital pictures for a screen saver on our computers, which means we get to see them regularly, and the kids love watching them and asking questions.

It’s easy for boredom to strike during cold weather. Fortunately it’s also not that hard to come up with ideas to entertain younger children. Get creative and have fun together!