If there is one thing that changed my life more than any other thing, it would have to be becoming a mother. This won’t surprise anyone who has had children. Being a stay at home mom really emphasizes the challenges. Thank goodness for the rewards.

Children change your life. Not just in the ways you expect, such as having to get up at night to feed the baby, watching him or her grow, spending money on the many things kids need, and so forth. They change your life in ways that if you weren’t a parent would probably drive you crazy. That’s just kids.

It will be years before you take your privacy for granted, even in the bathroom. Little kids won’t stand for it most of the time. You’re behind that door and they’re going to find out what you’re doing. Then they’ll tell you all about their latest imaginary adventure or what’s happening on their favorite show that they’ve watched more times than you can stand.

You’ll also discover how fascinating potty talk can be when you’re potty training your child. Not only will you talk freely about bodily functions to your child, but to other parents as well. And they’ll even get excited about it with you.

If you changed your name when you got married, that change of identity is nothing compared to the change when you become your child’s Mommy. That’s how you’ll be identified by your’s child’s friends and many of their parents for years to come.

Perfectly clean home? You mean for more than a few minutes while the kids are awake? Not likely! Some days it seems like kids just have to look in a room to make it into a disaster area.

Perfect hair, makeup and clothes? You’re begging for the baby to get sick, aren’t you? Probably just as you’re ready to head out of the house.

How about a sick day? Check your temperature, because you must be feverish. Sick or no, the kids need to be taken care of, and if it’s mommy they’re used to, it’s mommy they will try to get even if daddy is home.

On the plus side, there are few things as wonderful as being snuggled by your child. It doesn’t matter if you both had a really rough day. Kids can make it up to you with one quick hug. And if that doesn’t get your energy back up at the end of the day, have a little chocolate, a hot bath or another indulgence after your kids are in bed.

I make no promises as to how this all works in the teen years. That’s an entirely different game.

One of the troubles with being a stay at home mom is that you don’t earn any money for what you’re doing. If you need an income while you stay at home you have to find a work at home job or a home business to start, and that takes away from your time being a mom. That’s not a bad thing, just that you’ll have more things to balance in your life.

But just because you aren’t earning money doesn’t mean that you aren’t getting something in return.

No, I don’t mean frustration, although parenthood in general brings frustration with it quite often. It’s not an easy job, no matter whether you work outside the home or stay at home and focus entirely on what your family needs. Most kids are far from being perfect angels all the time.

In many ways the pay a stay at home mom gets is the same one all mothers get – the love and affection their children can bestow. The stay at home mom is just a bit luckier in that she has more time for it to happen.

It can’t be taxed. It can’t be spent. But you can save those earnings in your heart.

The love you earn from your family is what helps you get through the hard times, when the children aren’t listening, when you feel unappreciated, when things just aren’t going right. A quick hug and a kiss can make a lot of problems fade away. The problems may come back, but you’ll have a reminder of why it’s all worth it.

That doesn’t mean that staying at home isn’t an adjustment from working. It is. The kind of feedback you get is entirely different.

In either case people will probably feel freer to tell you that you’ve messed up than you’ve done a great job, though!

Teach yourself to see the feedback you get as a stay at home mom and teach your family to give it. If you want your children to show you gratitude, show it to them and tell them when they need to express it. If you want affection, give affection. Children are amazing mimics, so the more positive things you show them, the more you will get in return.

It’s both frustrating and fascinating. Frustrating because you will see all your little bad habits being echoed. Fascinating because you’ll see all the good too. If you want to earn the most affection from your kids, show them lots of it. It’ll pay you back most times.

And yes, there are times when kids try to hide what they feel. They go through phases where showing their parents affection is an awkward thing. But just watch them and you’ll know you still matter.

I’ve finally done it. Talked my oldest daughter into working on a website with me. I don’t know what topic she’ll want or if she wants a new domain name or anything yet. Just that she wants to do some of what I do.

I’ve had a website up for her for several years now. Once in a blue moon she’ll agree to do something with it, but for the most part it has just been about the links to the sites she likes to play games on.

So how did I talk her into this?

Kind of her teacher’s fault, really. She came home last week with a homework assignment to make a resolution for 2010 at home. We discussed a variety of options, such as not chewing her hair, practicing her karate more, but the one that got her attention was learning to make a website.

Her in school resolution is to pay more attention in class. I hope that one works too.

Now it’s just a matter of getting her to sit down with me and make a start. Figure out what it is she wants to do.

She has quite the entrepreneurial spirit, if no sense yet for what people will buy. She made up a bunch of  “contracts” the other day, for example. They say “Contract” at the top, then she drew a bunch of lines, then “Sign here” at the bottom. She wants to set a stand up out front and sell them. I don’t know what she’s planning on charging.

Am I raising a lawyer here?

Of course, any website she runs will be subject to a lot of rules. She’s only 7, after all.

I have no idea if she’s looking to make money online or if she just wants to do things for the fun of it. She’s talked about wanting to make money like I do before, but not recently so it’s hard to say what’s going through her mind at this moment. But it would be fun for her to make something she could keep going as she grows up.

She has a long weekend coming up, and while a part of it will be with grandparents, I think I’ll try to snag some of her time to work on starting on her resolution. I now have a good reason to push her a little on this and get her past the talk. And that’s half the struggle.

Being a stay at home mom, whether you work at home or have the raising your family as your only job is hard. A lot of people really won’t show you much appreciation, and there’s always someone to criticize your decision.

The same can be said for moms who work outside the home, of course.

Being told that your kids would be just fine if you put them in daycare is tough to hear, of course, and isn’t always true. So much depends on the quality of daycare that is available to you.

So what difference can you make to your family as a stay at home mom?

Money

The money issue can go both ways. Yes, many families have to cut back due to having just one income. It’s a big risk. You’re also likely limiting your retirement income if you aren’t working and saving for your retirement while you’re home with the kids.

On the other hand, daycare can be miserably expensive. Sometimes, by the time you take out the cost of daycare, the cost of commuting, cost of wardrobe, taxes and so forth, you’re actually saving money by not having a second income.

Which way your being at home impacts your family’s finances really depends on your likely income potential. If you know you’d be losing money by working outside the home, those naysayers have nothing to complain about!

There’s a risk to being a single income family, of course. That’s if layoffs come about. Losing one income is painful no matter whether one or both parents work, but if it’s the only income the situation may be a lot worse.

That’s a part of why I always recommend stay at home moms consider some form of working at home. It can be a job or a home business, but have some way to bring in a little money. Save it for retirement if you don’t really need it at the moment. But keep those skills up while doing something you love when you’re at home. You may not need to work now, but there are no guarantees for the future.

Your Relationship with Your Children

How you relate to your children can be different depending on whether you’re home all day with them or gone at a job. Either one can cause problems or make things better, depending on personal needs and personalities.

A mother who doesn’t want to stay at home, for example, probably shouldn’t. A miserable stay at home mom is going to have a harder time doing her best for her family.

What really matters is that you have ways to be there for your children when they need you. That goes for both mothers and fathers, regardless of where and if they work.

And of course some children need their parents more. This is especially true for younger children, although the option isn’t always there if the mother’s income is needed. As always, doing the best you can is generally good enough for your family. Perfection isn’t required.

Sad to say, an overprotective stay at home mom who never lets her kids do anything is going to cause as many problems for the working outside the home mom who is never there for her kids. Both are extremes; your typical stay at home mom isn’t excessively overprotective and your typical working outside the home mom will do everything she can to be there for her kids.

More Time for Activities

Stay at home moms do have a big advantage over working moms in being able to sign their kids up for whatever activities they’re interested in. It’s just easier to get them to the activities, whether it be sports, an art class, whatever.

Working moms can do it, but they have to be pickier about schedules.

Housekeeping

Yes, we all have to handle it. Working moms have more limited time for housekeeping, but stay at home moms have messes generated all day in their homes. Either way it can really add up.

In both cases, get the kids involved at age appropriate levels. Little kids love to help; older kids need to know how to do housework for their own good later in life as well as just having responsibilities now.

Don’t Let the Guilt Get You Down

All moms feel guilt. It’s just one of those things. No matter what we do there’s someone there to tell us we’re doing it wrong.

That’s okay. Remember that your own parents weren’t perfect. Hopefully their worst mistakes were forgivable and already forgiven. Do your best and your kids will hopefully do the same for you.

I’ll be the first to admit it. Sometimes having a family makes it really hard to succeed, especially with small children in the equation. I’ve had to slow down this year quite a bit more than I liked because my youngest is quite the demanding baby. Taking care of her needs, the needs of my other children, spending time with my husband and even sometimes pretending to keep a clean house takes a way a lot of my possible working time.

And yet they’re also the reason I do all of this.

I talk to my older kids a lot about why I do what I do, and especially why I’m sometimes very busy. It’s not always something they want to hear, but they need to know it even when they don’t understand.

But when things are really getting rough it’s wonderful to remember why I keep up the fight to have a successful home business, rather than work outside the home and pay hideous amounts of money out for daycare.

Sure they make it harder. That’s a part of having a family. But such a wonderful obstacle.

I don’t like to call it overcoming an obstacle when it comes to dealing with my family’s needs. Somehow that just feels wrong. It’s really more learning how to work with the obstacle and succeed with it right there.

Ideally having fun with it whenever possible.

That’s why I carry a notebook in my purse, for example. I can be out and about and still have a way to write down ideas.

Some of the things that eat up my time I do my best to use in productive ways. My son has speech therapy once a week. Since I don’t have to sit in the class and it’s an hour long, I use the time to run errands. It’s nice to not have my errands eating into time I could be using in other ways, and for strictly local errands the amount of time is just about perfect. That changes the time it takes to get him to and from therapy from unproductive time to well used time most weeks.

Family can also be inspiring. I wouldn’t be writing this post if I weren’t thinking of them as I write it.

Family also gives me that extra push to really work hard. Just thinking about how much having a commute would take away from the time I can have with my family (shudder)! They may be demanding of my time at times, but what better way to be?

And of course much of it all is about trying to give my family the lifestyle I want us to have. Nothing fancy, just three vacation homes, a 10,000 square foot home, a yacht, eight winning lottery tickets, adoring fans… wait, wrong dream.

Seriously, while there’s the home ownership dream and the wish for a more comfortable lifestyle, it’s not all about the money or the things. It’s also about being able to be there for my family. Having them may make it more challenging to reach my goals, but they also mean that reaching for my goals as well as achieving them is more satisfactory.

You can’t forget that part. Even when you’re trying to work and the kids want your immediate attention and the baby’s pounding away on the keyboard while you try to type, you cannot forget that you’re trying to succeed for them.

Some nights getting the kids to bed isn’t easy. They’re bright eyed and bushy tailed when you’re ready for them to get to bed. This has lead to me and my husband joking about a drinking game for getting the kids to bed.

Standard drinking game rules, except you can’t take a drink until the kids are actually asleep.

Child gets up for drink – Take one drink.

Asks for other parent – Take one drink.

Gets up to go potty – Take one drink.

Gets up to go potty but doesn’t do anything there – Take 2 drinks.

Asks for an extra story – Take one drink.

Asks for same story as the night before – Take 2 drinks.

Complains: “I’m too hot!” – Take one drink.

Complains: “I’m too cold!” – Take one drink.

One child is too hot and the other is too cold – Take 2 drinks.

Wants to watch television with you – Take one drink.

The show you’re watching isn’t age appropriate – Take one drink.

The show you’re watching isn’t age appropriate and your child wakes you with nightmares that night – Take 2 drinks.

Mysterious owie appears. It hurts a lot. Needs kisses – Take one drink.

Mysterious owie must, must I say, have a bandage put on it – Take 2 drinks.

Child throws up – Take 2 drinks.

Gets up crying that favorite bedtime toy is missing – Take one drink.

Missing toy is at foot of the bed – Take one drink.

Missing toy is right by pillow, where it had been when you put child to bed – Take 2 drinks.

And of course, kids go to bed with no trouble at all… take a drink if you feel like it. You probably deserve it.

Moving is hard on children, especially when they’re leaving their friends. It’s been interesting with this move seeing how each of my kids reacts.

My oldest is the most upset. She has the most friends, after all. She finally broke down the other night, crying, and talked about her concerns.

Fortunately, she quickly got to the point where she realized that she might just love our new home. If my husband can get a transfer back to the San Diego area when he’s qualified in a year, we might just do that, and she realized that she would probably be sad to leave her new friends.

My son is insisting that he’s not sad about it, but is decidedly fussier right now. Pretty typical stressed out four year old kind of behaviors.

And of course the baby just knows that she wants Mommy’s attention. She’s too young to know more than that I’m busier than usual and don’t play as much as she’d like.

For the older two, we’ve been talking to them a lot about why we’re moving and what they can expect. It really helped my oldest when we told her about all the kids we saw in the neighborhood just driving around.  Definitely a nice young neighborhood, which will help.

We’re also driving her nuts by giving her just about any detail about the house except whether it’s one or two story. She badly wants a two story home, so we’re keeping that as a surprise for her. It makes her mad, but should make her first sight of the new home very exciting.

We’re lucky to have local, retired grandparents to take the kids. I’m trying to have them gone most of this week, as we have a lot of stuff packed up. They really hate being told “sorry, that toy has been packed already.” Much better for them to be having fun with grandparents than to be underfoot all day.

They have helped with some of the packing, plus some toy sorting for things that they’re willing to get rid of. It’s a great time for getting rid of at least some of the excess toys!

Letting the kids be involved can slow things down tremendously, but it also helps them. It’s not just something that Mommy and Daddy are doing. It’s something the family is doing together.

Here goes. I get to be the sole parent in charge all day. My husband is off at his new job and I get to do it all even more so than usual.

Some ways, it’s not so different from other times. It’s been a while since I’ve consistently been the only one to put the kids to bed, and my oldest in particular is rather emotional about not having Daddy home for a few days. My son says he’s not going to be sad about it, but we’ll see. That’s easy to say at first, after all.

And we’ll see how much the baby notices. They do, after all. If nothing else, there will be cues for her with how everyone else is acting.

But I’m used to being the one in charge all day, so that part isn’t going to be so difficult. I’m planning lots of play time for my kids with their friends that we will be moving away from. Trying to get what work of my own done that I can. Trying to find a home to move into up there.

And sleep. I know there’s time to sleep in there.

Really.

Despite the baby’s best attempts to keep me up some nights.

Sometimes I do my best work when things get crazy in my life. There’s just no time to goof off, and I know it. If I work at things, this might just be a help rather than a complete hindrance.

Kids will catch you off guard sometimes. We were at the store the other day buying toothpaste, when my oldest daughter grabs a pack of colorful flossers off the shelf and starts begging me to buy them.

She’s begging me to buy dental floss? Are you kidding me?

Of course I bought them. I’m not sure someone didn’t switch kids on me for a minute there, though.

These are the Dentek flossers, and they’re… adequate. My kids really haven’t had trouble with them, and it’s nice seeing them want to brush their teeth. I don’t like them for myself, though. They loosen up too easily.

It’s fun seeing them debating which color to use, rather than putting up a fuss over having to floss.

There are some other really nice looking kid’s flossers over on Amazon I think I’ll check out when these run out, though. I want to keep encouraging such a healthy habit.

With school being almost out around here, I’m getting told by my kids’ teachers about the work they need to get done over the summer. It’s understandable… I mean, I know that kids forget a lot over summer vacation. But how much do I really want to push them?

I like thinking back to my own summer vacations as a kid, which were pretty leisurely. My school didn’t even give summer reading lists.

My daughter has about 3 pages of recommendations for what she should be doing over the summer to get ready for second grade. My son has a big packet from his speech therapist, which really isn’t quite the same in my view, as most of it is games to play to help him speak better, which is a real issue for him and something that needs to get better, ideally before he hits kindergarten.

And so I’m thinking on how much of this stuff I really feel like doing.

My own preference is to primarily make the tools available and encourage their use. I did tell my daughter that yes, she will be reading during the summer. She had been trying to say that she’d just do that every other summer. Kids!

I don’t really think she’ll try to not read all summer. She enjoys it too much.

Honestly, at this age I’d rather let them lead the way during the summer. We have plenty of workbooks and I’ll encourage their use, but that’s really all it takes most of the time around here.

So what’s your plan? Does your child’s school recommend or require summer homework?