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The Editor's Desk - From Beneath the Clutter
Feature Article - Does Your Marriage Suffer from an Attention Shortage?
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Wow, I'm tired! We took a quick trip to Sacramento this weekend to attend a family pre-holiday dinner. It's a tradition on my mom's side of the family. It allows us all to get together at a time when there's no pressure from inlaws to be at their homes. I get to see relatives that I see very rarely.
This year was very important to me. Last year, a week after this dinner was held (I was unable to attend last year as I was having a rough pregnancy), my grandfather fell ill with pneumonia and was given a 3% chance of survival. Amazingly enough, he's now alive and back home, although much thinner and weaker. He spent months in the hospital. My other grandfather also spent time in the hospital, as did one of my grandmothers.
I feel intensely grateful that I got this chance to see them again. I wasn't sure I would get to, since first I had the difficult pregnancy, then Gage had his surgery and lots of followup doctor's appointments, so we weren't able to travel. One of my grandmothers managed just recently to come visit, but I felt miserable that she was the only one to meet my son. It feels so good that now they have all met him.
But the trip itself was exhausting! We left early Friday morning, on a 9:30-ish a.m. flight to Sacramento, and returned on a 6-ish a.m. flight on Monday. We stayed at a different house each night, and two places all four of us (me, my husband, the two kids) all slept in a single room. Ariel really doesn't travel well, and starting about 2 a.m. each night woke hourly crying, which of course would disturb Gage.
Still, the trip was of course very well worth it and all in all quite a bit of fun. And I'm quite delighted to have been able to bring home a bag of tangerines from my grandparent's tree!
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Years ago when I was working in a mental health center, I served on a committee that was redesigning the communications systems. In one meeting, a committee member named Susan said, "The receptionists sound frantic when they answer the phone. They need to learn to give each caller their complete attention, even when they're multi-tasking."
Now that's a goal to aspire to. There's just one problem: It's impossible! Either you're multi- tasking or you're giving your full attention, but not both. Nonetheless, lot of us set out to achieve this impossible goal every day. At work you can get away with giving people less than your full attention. Generally speaking, your customers and colleagues are not seeking a deep emotional connection with you. But at home, it's a different story. Stop for a moment and think: Does it feel like there's more tension in your marriage than there used to be? Does your partner seem to have developed a new set of annoying habits? Or do you just have a vague sense that your relationship isn't as juicy and satisfying as it used to be? Consider the possibility that there's an attention shortage in your marriage.
Pure attention nourishes us in a way that nothing else can. One Saturday, I was working on a speech I had to give the next week and I was feeling the pressure. I heard a little voice calling from the doorway of my office: "Cla-a-a-aire!" It was my step- daughter, Kristina.
"Not now, Honey," I said, typing frantically, "I've really got to get this done."
A couple of minutes later, I heard it again. "Cla-a-a- aire!"
"Look, I'll talk to you in 5 minutes. I really need to concentrate now."
"Cla-a-a-aire!"
Exasperated, I finally stopped typing and turned to look at her. "All right, what do you want?"
Kristina smiled at me and waved. "Hi!" Then she scampered off.
We grownups are really no different. We all need regular doses of undivided attention to make us feel close, connected, and loved. Here are three guidelines for increasing this kind of attention in your marriage.
Say What You See
You might have taken communication classes where they tell you to ask open ended questions, such as, How did you feel when your boss cancelled the project?"
Questions are great, but sometimes you can make people feel more deeply understood by showing that you already get it.
Let her know you notice her behavior. "You seem pretty quiet today." And then go a step further by guessing how she feels: "I wonder if you're feeling disappointed because your boss cancelled that project." If you're right, she'll get that wonderful feeling that someone else understands. If you're wrong, just let her explain what's really going on.
The key to this technique is humility. You wonder if that's how she feels. Never confuse this with telling her how she feels, a surefire way to sabotage your connection!
Be Willing to Be Surprised
One casualty of a long-term relationship is listening with an open mind. After all, when you know someone well, you become accustomed to the themes in his conversation. And yet, he still has the capacity to surprise you, if you let him. He's still a growing, changing being who's learning new things and dealing with new concerns all the time. To really give your partner pure attention, mentally set aside your expectations about what he's going to say and stay open. I guarantee you that he'll feel the difference.
Make the First Move
If there's an attention shortage in your marriage, you might be feeling like you're running on empty and you have nothing to give. And you're waiting for your partner to fill your tank, so that you can feel more loving. The trouble is, she's feeling exactly the same way. You could be stuck here for a long time! It only takes one of you to put your marriage back on the road to deeper connection. Why not decide it's going to be you?
Leave the multi-tasking at work. That's what it was invented for. At home, it's not about how much you get done, it's about how much you connect. Give your partner what he longs for most--your complete attention--and see what happens.
Claire Hatch, LICSW, is a licensed counselor & mediator who helps people raise self-esteem and turn conflict to connection. She works with clients in her Seattle area office & by phone around the world. Claire gives seminars on how to settle conflicts, tame stress, & balance family and work. To contact Claire or learn about her Honeymoon Toolkit™ premarital counseling package or The Bridal Sanity Workbook e-book, visit http://www.clairehatch.com.
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When it comes to getting and staying fit, consistency is a major component to success. Ensuring that you regularly eat nutritious meals and exercise week after week is mandatory. But, too much of a good thing can actually be harmful.
Exercising too much can not only lead to injuries but also to burnout. Burnout is a real toxin that commonly plagues those new to exercise. This is one of the major reasons that so many people quit workout programs before they barely have gotten started.
The motivation for someone to start exercising is often sparked by major events in their life: diagnosis of health problems, break up of an intimate relationship or inability to partake in a prior favorite past time. Motivation is powerful in the beginning and provides what's necessary to take the first steps toward healthier living.
However, this same positive enthusiasm often turns into a negative because the individual forgets another key component of success: moderation. When an exerciser starts furiously and takes on workouts that are far too frequent and/or far too intense, then inevitably they burnout and quit all together.
As with most things in life, moderation in exercise is very important. A consistent and moderate exercise program varies by individual (and fitness level), but in general you should start slow and build from there. An effective workout plan will slowly increase both your exercise frequency and intensity each week in a safe manner.
Here are some quick tips to help you avoid workout burnout:
Lynn Bode is a certified personal trainer specializing in Internet-based fitness programs. She founded Workouts For You, which provides affordable online exercise programs that are custom designed for each individual. Visit: http://www.workoutsforyou.com for a free sample workout. Fitness professionals take your business online, visit: http://www.trainerforce.com
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