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Feature Article - Getting Spouse Support to Work At Home
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Hope you all had a great Mother's Day! I ended up taking the entire weekend off.
First we went to the Renaissance Faire on Saturday. How I wish I had decided to lug the camcorder along. Normally there just isn't anything I'd want to videotape there. I mean, what, should I act like a tourist there? "And there's a knight, and there's the blacksmith...."
But this time, we heard them calling out for loud children. Well, Ariel certainly qualifies, so we took her on over. They wanted loud children to do a little play. The girl who could scream the loudest got to be the princess. Yes, Ariel did it. Second place was her cousin, who got to be the queen. The play was based on St. George and the dragon, and having kids do it was absolutely hilarious. St. George was played by an older kid who looked like he could be a linebacker when he grows up. Ariel really had a lot of fun being the princess, and was very dramatic about screaming when the dragon took her, and crying when St. George was killed. Teach me to not carry the camcorder, I guess. She's certainly ready for the acting class I signed her up for this summer.
Oh, yes, and every time she saw a rope, anywhere at the Faire, she thought it was Rapunzel's hair. Just priceless!
Sunday was my husband's family's traditional Mother's Day picnic. They get together every year for Mother's Day and Father's Day. It makes for a pretty nice day, if not terribly relaxing.
Have you noticed the changes I made to the main navigation to this site? I'm hoping it makes it easier to find what you're looking for. I think I've improved the grouping, and the different colors should make it easier to spot the different categories, I hope. Just part of many changes I'm making throughout the site.
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I have been surprised by the number of times I have talked people who made the decision to work-at-home and then the very next day, after talking to their spouse, gave up their goal. What baffles me is not so much that the spouse talked them out of trying to work-at-home, but that if the spouse was going to have influence over the decision, why wasn't he or she brought into the process earlier?
The thing I find even more shocking is that the opposing spouse not only doesn't trust his (or her) mate's decision but that often, he (or she) doesn't even take the time to read what has been gathered about working at home to learn how the decision was made. The spouse hasn't visited a single website or read a single email when he expresses his opinion. And faced with a questioning spouse, the wife has to explain her choices and maybe begins to second-guess herself. (Please note that I know in many cases it's the husband who wants to work at home and it's the wife who isn't supportive.)
It's hard enough to build a business as it is, but an unsupportive, even negative spouse makes it nearly impossible. If your spouse has influence over your decision about working at home, read on for some ideas to help get your spouse on your side:
1) In most cases, it is very important to have your spouse read all the materials you read, listen to any recordings or calls, and talk to those you talk to as well. That way he can get the same information you do without your trying to explain it and missing something. Any questions or concerns can be raised and explored together. If he is resistant in participating in the research and evaluation process, then let him know that he will need to trust that you can make a good decision and support whatever you decide. How can your spouse influence your decision when he doesn't have all the information that you have?
2) All successful businesses have a business plan that outlines financial aspects including how will the business be funded and maintained? Many spouses worry that the family will fall into poverty if you quit your job to work at home. Therefore, make a plan to show that you won't let the family finances suffer. Will you work your business around your job? Will you work six months living on one salary saving the second income for business start-up? By showing you have put thought and planning into your decision, as well as demonstrating that it's financially feasible for you to work at home, your spouse will be in a better position to support your endeavor.
3) Make a plan that shows how you are going to fit your business in with what you already do and how it will benefit the family in the long run. Let your spouse help with goals and even reap some of the rewards. My husband puts the kids to bed (baths, lunches for school etc) so I can work because he would like a new car and a trip to Mexico this Christmas.
4) Plan for household management. Because I am home, I usually make dinner and take care of things that need to be done such as scheduling repairs. But I do work so my husband and children help with household chores as well. Make a plan to show how the rest of life can be managed and indicate areas that you could use support.
5) Make a schedule so you have clear work and non-work hours. I work some in the evening, but I don't work 3:30 pm to 7 pm because this is family time. Be clear and strict with your schedule. Don't let your business take too much time away from your family, but you also need to ask your family to respect your "work" hours.
6) Let your spouse know working at home is important to you...if it is. Often home businesses, especially those run by moms, are seen as little mommy hobbies. It's okay if it is just a hobby, but if you are looking to make this your "career" or if its important to you, you need to convey that to your family. Hopefully they'll respect your dream even if they don't agree with it.
7) Tell your spouse how it will be different this time around. If you have a history of failed attempts at working at home, getting spousal support will likely be very hard. Along with doing the 6 other items listed above, you also need to make sure you are making good choices AND doing the work! You need to evaluate why your past efforts failed. Did you choose a questionable program? If you blame program for your failure, did you do the research you needed to do to make a good choice? Are you being completely honest about your part in the failure? Sometimes people fail because they don't put in the time and effort that is needed to be successful? If you didn't work like you should, why didn't you? If you are going to show your spouse that it will be different this time around, you need to have a clear plan to show him why.
8) Consider doing it anyway. If your spouse is still unsupportive, you have a decision to make about how important working at home is to you. If you really want to succeed in working at home, you need to hold firm to your dream. Do you think people thought stay-at-home mom Mrs. Fields was crazy to think she could open a store selling her chocolate chip cookies? Or that Mary Kay Ashe was nuts to think she could support her family selling cosmetics from her kitchen table? Or that J.K. Rowling was wasting her time sitting in a cafe day after day writing about Harry Potter? Everybody starts at the bottom with only a dream. Mrs. Fields did. Mary Kay did. JK Rowling did. I did. None of us let the nay-sayers in our world, even those closest to us hold us back. If your spouse is holding you back, take a good look at why. It may be that one of the suggestions above will help him/her understand what it is you are trying to accomplish and how. But, if not, sometimes, you just got to do it anyway.
If you go the "I'm doing it no matter what" route, you still want to do the seven steps outlined above because it will not only help insure your success but it will let your spouse know that you are aware of her concerns and are trying to alleviate them.
Leslie Truex is a stay and work-at-home mom who has been providing work-at-home information and resources online since 1998. Get her free ezine with work-at-home jobs, home business ideas, inspiration, current news and much more. Visit http://www.workathomesuccess.com to get info and subscribe.
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Hugh Hefner may have a very different initial response than Dr. Laura. Yet the root of this issue is the same:
Loving your spouse but not feeling loved...
These feelings may evolve from a variety of "symptoms", yet the root of the problem is not feeling loved.
These feelings can occur as a relationship evolves and changes in behavior and actions follow. When this evolution happens and one or both spouses feel that there are too many negative results, then it's time to work on controlling that evolution.
Here are 3 steps that can be taken as relationships evolve to ensure that the needs of both are met and the evolutionary process is beneficial to the relationship.
Step #1 - Communication
There are many ways that we show our love to our spouse, they include acts of service (making meals, filling the gas tank in their car, doing one of "their chores" etc.) We also show our love with gentle touches, kind or encouraging words, a kiss or bedroom intimacy.
However, have you ever considered that one of the best ways to show your love is to engage in meaningful conversations where you are actually paying attention?
There may be times in a marriage when one spouse or the other is still in love, but doesn't feel like they are loved in return.
It's essential in all relationships that people communicate their needs and their perceptions of what their spouse needs.
Let's say the favorite part of your newlywed years was the leisurely Saturday mornings and a special brunch. Now your Saturdays are spent racing from one children's sporting event to the next. Or your spouse goes golfing or playing tennis with friends.
It may be a real disappointment that your special time with your spouse was lost. So it's important to discuss how much you enjoyed that time and figure out a way to create a new and improved special time.
Perhaps one spouse is feeling neglected as the other spouse has had increased work responsibilities that require them to be away from home more. Discussing these concerns will help find a way to resolve these feelings of neglect.
As far as feeling neglected goes, consider husbands and the HUGE transition that takes place as children are added to the equation. They know in their mind that the have to come second now because these new little babies can't do anything for themselves.
A new mothers life naturally becomes consumed with new responsibilities and needs and it's natural to put their husbands needs second. (I'll discuss the importance of solving this problem quickly in Step #3)
By communicating these feelings a discussion can follow where dad can become more involved with these responsibilities.
The wonderful thing about this evolution is Dad wins! He is blessed with developing a stronger relationship with their new baby, and his wife not only has more time for him, she feels a deeper love as he has made an extra effort to strengthen their marriage by taking some of her load.
Solving all of these issues requires communicating your needs and concerns.
Step #2 - Time Alone
This step easily follows the preceding step of communication because if you have regular time alone, then you are better able to communicate.
You need to have alone time with your spouse on a daily basis. Even if you have to make an appointment to meet every night at 9:10 p.m., then do it.
This daily time allows you to keep in touch with the joys and sorrows of the day, and deepens your love, commitment and ability to help one another.
In addition to daily time alone, you also need weekly time alone. You've heard me recommend on a regular basis the value and importance of having a weekly date night. Well, then do it! My husband and I have faithfully had weekly date nights and I'm convinced that is one of the wisest habits we ever developed.
Let me specify that these weekly date nights can be with others, just no kids. However, it is still important to be sure that at least once a month the date night is ALONE...no other couples. That's when you can really strengthen your marriage relationship.
Step 3 - Daily Affirmations
I think one of the most concise articles I've read about showing love or daily affirmations to your spouse is the article "The Daily Dozen of Marriage", by Dee W. Hadley, a family counselor. (Dee W. Hadley, "The Daily Dozen of Marriage," Ensign, March 1990, 35)
Here's just a few:
Spending 5 minutes a day thinking positive thoughts about your spouse; pay a genuine compliment; do an act of service; give a gesture of love; be courteous to all family members; forgive daily.
If you only did these 6, imagine the impact it would have on relieving frustration in your marriage. You certainly wouldn't feel unloved!
As I mentioned earlier, there are times when a spouse may feel neglected. These daily affirmations will all but cure that issue.
As a side note on neglect. There are marriages where a spouse or the marriage relationship as a whole is neglected in favor of meeting every need of their children. This mainly occurs becuase of the false belief that this will grow happy, well developed children.
Guess what, there is study after study now that shows the best way to grow healthy, well adapted children is to have a healthy, well adapted marriage. A strong marriage relationship where the parents relationship comes BEFORE that of the needs of the children will automatically trickle down to meeting the needs of the children in an appropriate way.
Think about it, if little Johnny sees a strong marriage relationship where love is expressed freely, service is offered regularly and he knows without a doubt that his mom loves his dad...won't the natural conclusion be that they love him too, that two lives can be made as one and the one is much better? What better message could we send to our children?
A couple's love and service for each other will affect their children more positively than any other thing they could do for their children. So daily affirmations of your love to your spouse gives you a double payday. One with your spouse and one with your kids.
Don't wait, take a look today at where your marriage relationship is and where you would like it to evolve to. Just start now to apply these 3 simple steps and you'll be headed in the right direction.
Beth Young is the Senior Editor of the leading marriage advise web site, MarriageAdvise.com. To download your free ebook titled, "101 Marriage Secrets" visit http://www.MarrigeAdvice.com.
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