Home with the Kids Newsletter November 27, 2007

The Editor's Desk - From Beneath the Clutter
Feature Article - Stay-at-home Moms Can Maintain Their Self Identity
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The Editor's Desk - From Beneath the Clutter

Whee! All done with Thanksgiving and the craziness of the rest of the holiday season is just beginning!

Actually, I'd say we keep things pretty calm in my family. Name draws between my sisters and I to minimize the individual shopping lists and help keep budgets under control. I try hard, really hard to keep the gifts for the kids down. That part is a bit tough, since we don't buy them a lot of stuff during the year.

But I do have something for my readers. A free Christmas coloring book that NorthPoleStation.com is allowing me to offer you. I hope at least some of you will enjoy it. It's a fair size file, but we're offering it in zip format. Just click on this link to download.

Feature Article

Stay-at-home Moms Can Maintain Their Self Identity

Many mothers who are stay-at-home parents lose their sense of self in the process of caretaking for their children. A woman’s natural instinct to “protect her flock” may come into direct conflict with developing a strong self-identity.

Often, mother’s “lose themselves” by giving their power away in relationships, particularly with their children. They may develop a connection with their children, but it may be established in an unhealthy manner. One of my parental slogans is, “Never do for a child what she can do for herself.” Mothers may over function on behalf on their children, giving away their sense of self while inhibiting their kids’ opportunity to become self directed.

In order to create a positive self-image, stay-at home mothers need to learn to set personal boundaries. Sometimes, parents unknowingly become an extension of their children. They may vicariously live through their children and meet their needs in this manner. An example is the parent who becomes overly enmeshed in their child’s activities. They may inadvertently put pressure on a child to perform admirably to compensate for their own perceived shortcomings.

A confident stay-at-home mother needs to be able to distinguish herself from her children. Personal boundaries should not be blurred. A mother must be able to step back and evaluate her behavior. Are my feelings separate from those of my children, or do I get swallowed up in the burden of how they experience life? Are most of my needs tied up in the caretaking process for my children? Do I have separate wants, desires and needs apart from those of my children?

I think an empowered mother must learn what I call “detached identification.” Mothers are responsible to their children, not for them. Understanding this distinction determines whether a stay-at-home mother will cultivate a vital sense of self. Often parents are unable to distinguish their thoughts, feelings, and behavior from the pattern of their children. They may worry endlessly about their children instead of demonstrating appropriate concern. Worrying erodes confidence. Appropriate concern empowers a mother to problem-solve new ways of assisting their children in managing problems.

Some mother’s groups advocate what I call “extreme parenting.” The parental bonding process does not take into consideration the mother’s well-being and personal identity. There are groups that advocate that the stay-at-home co-sleep with her children on a regular nightly basis as a connecting experience. In my opinion, this practice is unhealthy for the child as well as the mother.

At times, a mother will pursue her children when it would be better to fight that urge. Recently, my daughter visited me along with her toddler. We were walking down the street during a shopping trip and my granddaughter fell down at one point. I reached over to pick her up and my daughter intervened. “Dad, leave her alone. Let her handle this by herself.” My daughter was right. Malia was not hurt and was capable of getting up on her own. Step back, fight the urge to pursue and let children handle their journey to learn new skills.

It is imperative that stay-at-home moms create a life apart from their children. Developing a business from home, joining parenting support groups, spending time with adult friends and volunteering a small amount of one’s time are important ways of refocusing one’s energy and validating personal identity. Finding someone to care-take for the children may be difficult, but necessary. Hopefully, a partner is a team player in this regard and provides the mom with time away from her children. This is in the best interest of the adult relationship as well as the adult-child relationship. Mothers may make excuses as to why a baby-sitter doesn’t meet their expectations. Part of maintaining a self-identity for the mother is learning to let go of the children and allowing the children to be “raised by the village.” If a stay-at-home mother desires to create a healthy sense of self, she needs to learn to entrust her children to significant others.

Suggestions to assist stay-at-home moms in creating and maintaining a strong self-image are:

• Don’t be an overly-possessive mother. In doing so, you give your power away to your children.

• Listen and respond to your own needs. This is not being selfish but honest and empowering.

• Always trying to please your children will backfire. They will not respect you and you will not respect yourself.

• If your children make mistakes it is not a reflection on you. Remember you are ok as long as you allow children to become self-directed through learning from their own experiences.

• Create a life for yourself apart from your children. Involve family, friends and significant others to support you in your self-rewarding activities.

• Eradicate the words “selfish” and “guilty” from your vocabulary. They are words that diminish your worth and keep you from developing confidence.

• Recognize the harsh reality that your children don’t always need you. It’s amazing what they can do for themselves.

• Let go of the illusion of being the perfect mother. Parenting is an art. Having to be perfect puts an unreasonable burden on you.

Stay-at-home moms can develop confidence and feel empowered if they can learn to meet their own needs apart from their children. Setting appropriate boundaries, being assertive, and giving your children appropriate space with encouragement will enhance a mother’s sense of self-determination and confidence.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at http://www.amazon.com He can be reached http://www.krehbielcounseling.com

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